anticipation

wow. i haven't posted for quite a while. oh well, who cares, moving forward...

i am anxiously getting ready for my trip to bali. i can't wait. but really, it's so surreal. all i did was give money for the retreat and buy a plane ticket. no research involved, just a SIGN ME UP button to push. actually, what a great way to travel! so since i got, shall we say "laid off", i've been blessed to have this month to prepare. it's funny when you wish and hope and pray for something and then you get it in a completely different form than you thought you would. i kept praying for more time to prepare since i was working full-time and wouldn't have much time to shop, gather, make trades, etc...then BAM. no job. but PLENTY of free time. so i've been making lists and checking them off - shopping for art supplies and shorts, filing for unemployment, catching up on sleep!, reading, and making cool beaded mandalas to trade with my fellow bali-travelers while there. it's been such a blessing to be able to do this and not have to work at the same time! i'm so lucky...
i do have to say, though, i'm a bit nervous about this trip. i mean, it's a mixed-media art retreat and i'm not a mixed-media artist. but i think it's going to be ok. i'm artsy. just because i don't paint doesn't mean i won't be able to. i'm excited to be challenged and i know that whatever i make will be amazing and all part of the process. and to be doing it in bali? what an amazing opportunity and experience, plus to get all of anahata's experience and knowledge will be simply incredible.
but other than making art, i really intend on opening up my heart, my mind, my soul - to just let myself go and be guided by the journey. no planning. just exploring and taking in whatever i'm supposed to take in. whatever presents itself to me i will be open to. i want to learn, see, explore. i want to learn about my self on this trip. i can not wait to be immersed in such a different culture - with all the COLOR, people, food. i know it will be such an amazing JOURNEY.

and through this preparation i am realizing that i WANT to learn more about myself but mostly about my spiritual self. i am realizing that although i do think i'm pretty creative, i don't think i KNOW that about myself. i don't think i am CONFIDENT in who i am at all times. i wrestle with myself and what other people will think of me and i don't like that. i would really like to start meditating - i don't know how and i think i need to learn. i need to find that higher sense of myself and that higher realm of my spirituality. i really feel that because i am thinking all of this, that this is just the beginning. i feel i am on my way, or at least i have started on a really amazing path. and i think this trip is coming at THE PERFECT time in my life.

i am so open...
i can't wait to see what happens.
i can't wait to feel what happens...