blah

i'm feeling a bit out of sorts lately. i was thinking that this blog would be a place to jot down only positive, wonderful, beautiful, creative thoughts, but it's my blog so i can do what i want with it.
so i'm going to.
it's the holiday season. yay. i wish i was more excited about it. thanksgiving was ok - but mom's ankle surgery a few weeks prior meant that she had to orchestrate and not really help. i mean she helped but not like usual. it was me doing most of it which was fun but a bit overwhelming. and then after 8 hours in the kitchen POOF it's eaten and put away. being an only child means and has always meant that it's just me and my parents around the table; like any other night. this year theo was with us which adds entertainment but it's also just like any time he and i go to their house for dinner. no kids running around, no grandparents or other family - just the 4 of us. it makes me sad.
and now it's the beginning of december and everyone and their mothers are out running around like the world is going to end tomorrow. hustling and bustling for what? to get that present for little timmy? who cares?! there were shootings and deaths on black friday. for what? to get that game from wal-mart? give me a break people. and i feel like i need to get sucked into all of that too but i really don't. i need to make a few pieces of jewelry and get a couple of presents. no one needs anything and again, i don't have a big family to buy for (which is actually a blessing) so i really don't need to do much. but how is it that it always comes down to the last minute? it was just november, and now it's december. i want to put up my christmas tree but when? hopefully this weekend or early next week.
i like to get into the spirit but sometimes it's really hard. i look around at all the cute decorations and everyone's going to holiday parties and i just don't have the time to do all that and that makes me sad. i think someday that will all change when i have kids - i look forward to doing little holiday things with them and starting new traditions; making new recipes to pass down, making decorations to bring out each year, singing carols and watching christmas movies and seeing their little faces light up. but right now there just doens't seem to be anything too 'special' about this time of year. i feel like there are so many things i'd like to do but just don't have the time or the means to do so. especially right now with this economy; it's getting ridiculous.
but i suppose i'll just have to make my holiday mean what i want it to mean. remember the true reason for this season and to make it whatever i want to make it. keep up my christmas tree until march because it's cute, not becuase it HAS to go away when christmas is over. not get overwhelmed by all that has to be done because really, it's just another day, another month. love the ones i'm with and have a good time, whatever that looks like. i think we'll be ordering chinese food and watching movies on christmas eve and night instead of cooking all day. that will be fun and different and maybe a new tradition. who knows? but it can still be fun. get a few presents for the people who i want to give to, send out a few packages, get up my decorations to enjoy, and call it good. and give thanks for life. for everything in it. good and bad.

ok. that feels better.