words of wisdom (for me)

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the question now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually without even noticing, live your way into the answer."
-Rainer Maria Rilke

sparkles

on the heels of that blah last post, i remembered that i resolved to remember that i am truly blessed, and that i was going to try to write that down as often as i can on here. so here is what i feel blessed for right now:

• i don't need or really want anything for christmas. i have everything and more than i could ever need; some people don't have a fraction of that. sure i want a new camera, some sequined fuchsia converse, and a face steamer - but really, i don't need anything. really.
• i have a job right now when lots and lots of people are getting layed off.
• christmas ornaments and decorations are so completely adorable, especially the bright colored ones and sparkly ones. how fun and festive. thus, my christmas tree is always fuchsia, turquoise, purple, and green. duh.
• my best friend sarah is having a baby boy in january and i am happy we have resolved our issues so i can be a part of his life. her shower is this weekend and i crocheted a blanket for her/him. i can't wait to give it to her.
• i am loved. while my relationship with b.f. right now isn't as good as i want it to be, i am still loved. i need to remember that. i've wished all my life to be loved (by someone other than my parents) and now i am and sometimes i take that for granted.
• i feel blessed (and need to remember this) that i actually have too much to do - this means i'm interested in a lot of things, have too many hobbies, and like to be doing things :) a lot of people don't even know what a hobby is.

now i'm excited to put up my decorations, even if it's just lil' ol' me who sees them

blah

i'm feeling a bit out of sorts lately. i was thinking that this blog would be a place to jot down only positive, wonderful, beautiful, creative thoughts, but it's my blog so i can do what i want with it.
so i'm going to.
it's the holiday season. yay. i wish i was more excited about it. thanksgiving was ok - but mom's ankle surgery a few weeks prior meant that she had to orchestrate and not really help. i mean she helped but not like usual. it was me doing most of it which was fun but a bit overwhelming. and then after 8 hours in the kitchen POOF it's eaten and put away. being an only child means and has always meant that it's just me and my parents around the table; like any other night. this year theo was with us which adds entertainment but it's also just like any time he and i go to their house for dinner. no kids running around, no grandparents or other family - just the 4 of us. it makes me sad.
and now it's the beginning of december and everyone and their mothers are out running around like the world is going to end tomorrow. hustling and bustling for what? to get that present for little timmy? who cares?! there were shootings and deaths on black friday. for what? to get that game from wal-mart? give me a break people. and i feel like i need to get sucked into all of that too but i really don't. i need to make a few pieces of jewelry and get a couple of presents. no one needs anything and again, i don't have a big family to buy for (which is actually a blessing) so i really don't need to do much. but how is it that it always comes down to the last minute? it was just november, and now it's december. i want to put up my christmas tree but when? hopefully this weekend or early next week.
i like to get into the spirit but sometimes it's really hard. i look around at all the cute decorations and everyone's going to holiday parties and i just don't have the time to do all that and that makes me sad. i think someday that will all change when i have kids - i look forward to doing little holiday things with them and starting new traditions; making new recipes to pass down, making decorations to bring out each year, singing carols and watching christmas movies and seeing their little faces light up. but right now there just doens't seem to be anything too 'special' about this time of year. i feel like there are so many things i'd like to do but just don't have the time or the means to do so. especially right now with this economy; it's getting ridiculous.
but i suppose i'll just have to make my holiday mean what i want it to mean. remember the true reason for this season and to make it whatever i want to make it. keep up my christmas tree until march because it's cute, not becuase it HAS to go away when christmas is over. not get overwhelmed by all that has to be done because really, it's just another day, another month. love the ones i'm with and have a good time, whatever that looks like. i think we'll be ordering chinese food and watching movies on christmas eve and night instead of cooking all day. that will be fun and different and maybe a new tradition. who knows? but it can still be fun. get a few presents for the people who i want to give to, send out a few packages, get up my decorations to enjoy, and call it good. and give thanks for life. for everything in it. good and bad.

ok. that feels better.

synchronicities

so i sign into my igoogle today and one of the applications i added to it is 'places to see' - a photo that changes each time i refresh the page. sometimes there are places i've actually seen, sometimes there are places that are on my own personal 'to see before i die' list.

what was pictured today? pura tirta empul in tampaksiring, BALI INDONESIA.

riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. um, i'll be there in about 4 months.

there really are no coincidences. everything is perfectly orchestrated. perfectly.

so that leads me to my list of daily blessings:

• i'm thankful for doctors who know what they're doing. mom had her ankle surgery today which was supposed to entail a breaking of the ankle to fix it with a cadaver's ankle. turned out that they didn't need to break it to fix it - which means less work, faster recovery, less pain. all extremely good things.
• a warm and fuzzy bed that cradles me everytime i get in it.
• synchronicities - they remind me that there really are no coincidences. they remind me that there really is a grand plan to all of this craziness. sometimes it reallllllly doesn't seem that way - but when little things like the photo of bali pop up, it just reminds me that things are really going just as they should...
  

blessed

i recently saw my friend, rebekah. i haven't seen her in a while, but i was blessed by her presence this week. she has always been an inspiration to me - she is so creative, strong in her faith, and the sweetest person i think i've ever met. i often read her blog and am constantly inspired by it. she has such a beautiful family, loves to take great photographs, and has such a witty way of writing.

so i'm going to follow in her footsteps and {try} to write as often as i can, about how my life is blessed. big or small, whatever they are, i am blessed.

• so this week i feel blessed that rebekah was put in my path. she reminded me of how i long to be a graceful person in everything i do. and she also reminded me (inadvertently) that you really can find great things at a thrift store! oh boy do i know that. but sometimes i need to be reminded.
  
• i feel blessed that i have a loving family, when some do not even have that.
• i feel blessed that my job allows me to be creative - not all the time, but at least sometimes.

ok. that's good for now. i think those are a great way to start my list of blessings.

more to come. i have no doubt.

thank you for inspiring me, rebekah.

been a bit busy...but blessings still abound

i had a feeling this would happen: it's been months since i've even looked at this thing. oh well i suppose - life is what happens when we're busy making plans...
so here are a few things that have happened over the past few months, to remind myself of how beautiful (and crazy at times!) my life really is:

• beautiful orcas island for theo's birthday celebration in september
• a fantastic, exhilerating spaaaaaaa day with my beautiful friend, joy - what an amazing way to relax and rejuvenate. this was something i've always wanted to do but just haven't - truthfully, i never understood the effects of going to a spa until now...i haven't felt that good in a long time and neither has my skin! i made a resolution to go once a month, at least
• a revelation that i'm allergic to soy milk! i'd been breaking out like a 13-year old and a dumb dermatologist said it was hormones. well, the estrogen in the soy milk was making my hormones go crazy! thank god for the internet and a wealth of information for me to find! and no more teen break outs! and no more wanting-to-kill-myself pms. yikes.
• a gorgeous day at snoqualmie falls with theo - just as summer turns to fall and all the leaves started to turn...
• history in the making: obama is elected president! what an amazing victory, in so many ways.
• i've stepped out and made plans for my fabulous trip to bali in march. i can't hardly wait. i can't believe i'm doing this. i've followed this girl's blog and only dreamed of going to bali with her, then i realized I CAN DO THIS! thanks to my wonderful third cousin, margaret (rest in peace), i can afford to do this. so i did it. i got the time off, made the flight reservations, and am doing it. i don't think the reality of it has set in yet...
• a realization that i need god in my life, in my relationships, in my everyday. i've always been spiritual, religious to an extent, but never realized until now that i need god to be the base of everything i do. otherwise, i could probably do 'it' but perhaps not with the grace, understanding, patience, or guidance that god can provide. i am open to the guidance. i pray that my heart will be softened and my eyes and ears will be open to the guidance. i look forward to the lessons...

serenity

we recently frolicked on orcas island. i forgot how gorgeous it is in the san juan islands. we got lucky and the weather was absolutely perfect - warm and glorious. it's amazing to leave the hustle and bustle and go somewhere that is only a few hours away, but feels like a world away - where the air is fresh, and water is all around. no traffic, 1 stop sign, three blocks of 'town'. everyone knows eachother. people look at you in the eye and say 'hello' - a bit unnerving at first, because no one does that anywhere anymore. the town closes at dark. it's darker at night because there are no city lights. people are friendly because they genuinely want to be there - they have chosen to be there. what a delight. we left feeling refreshed, relaxed, and realizing that there really is something to be said about living a more simple life...




i was so happy to discover the 'macro' setting on my camera. these are some of the most fantastic photos i've ever taken and i was THRILLED at the detail. a whole new world opened up...


seriously, this is THE biggest blackberry i have ever seen. i had to bite it three times to get through it! that's a teaspoon, people!

lucky number 7

i read a friend's blog today and she decided to look up her life path number. what in the world is that? so i looked up mine and it turned out to be 7...here's what they had to say about folks with the life path number of 7 (i can't believe how eerily accurate it is):

The Life Path 7 suggests that you entered this plane with a gift for investigation, analysis, and keen observation. You are a thinker of the first order. You evaluate situations very quickly, and with amazing accuracy. As a result, you are thorough and complete in your work, the perfectionist who expects everyone else to meet a high standard of performance, too.
A Life Path 7 person is a peaceful and affectionate soul. But you guard your connection to people carefully. It's easy for you to detect deception and recognize insincere people, and you avoid them. You aren't one to have a wide circle of friends, but once you accept someone as a friend, it's for life. It's as if you must get to know someone a lot better before you allow the wall surrounding you to be penetrated. Chances are you are a very charming and refined individual with great poise and a quick wit. Nonetheless, there is an exclusiveness about you. You probably aren't a very social person. Your reserve is often taken to be aloofness, but actually, it's not that at all. It is merely a cover up for your basic feeling of insecurity. There's no rush, It takes time for you to warm up to new friends. Clubs and organizations hold little interest for you; you are not a joiner.
You actually like being alone and away from the hustle and bustle of modern life. In many ways, you would have fit in better in much earlier times when the pace of life was less hectic. You need a good deal of quiet time to be with your own inner thoughts and dreams. You dislike crowds, noise, distractions, and confusion.
The overwhelming strength of the number 7 is reflected in the depth of thinking that is shown; you will garner knowledge from practically every source that you find. Intellectual, scientific, and studious, you don't accept a premise until you have dissected the subject and arrived at your own independent conclusion.
This is a very spiritual number and it often denotes a sort of spiritual wisdom that becomes apparent at a fairly early age. A built in inner guide providing a strong sense of intuition may set you up as being a law unto yourself. Whatever spiritual position you take, whether traditional or bizarre, you will cling to it with fervor. Once you have decided an issue, it is almost impossible to get you to revisit the question. Adaptability is not your style, and change for you is a rarity.
You rely heavily on your experiences and your intuition, rather than accepting advice from someone. Your hunches usually prove to be very accurate, and knowing this, you follow the directions they seem to guide.
In the most negative use of the 7 energies, you can become very pessimistic, lackadaisical, quarrelsome, and secretive. A Life Path 7 individual who is not living life fully and gaining through experiences, is a hard person to live with because of a serious lack of consideration for others. There is such a negative attitude. Indeed, operating on the negative side of the 7 can produce a very selfish and spoiled individual and living with one can be a challenge. This may be why some 7s actually prefer living alone. If you have any of the negative traits they are very difficult to get rid of because you tend to feel that the world really does owe you a living or that in some way you are not being fairly treated.
Fortunately, the negative 7 is not the typical 7, at least not without some mitigating positive traits. This number is one that seems to have some major shifts from highs to lows. Stability in feelings may be elusive for you.

just something to ponder, and gives me a bit of insight into my own self...not as an excuse, but at least there's an explanation for all of my quirks, eccentricities, and my all-around CRAZINESS!

wonder

i heart this girl and her blog. she is SUCH an amazing mixed-media artist and is a ginormous inspiration. her combination of textures, colors, phrases, and images all in different formats are just stunning.
so i'm in a bit of a craft-room-explosion right now, which is actually a good thing. my spare room has become a bit of a dumping ground (or shall we just say, dump) over the past few years, and i had convinced myself that it would never get cleaned up or look any better. but i finally got inspired a few weeks ago and ALAS! - it is on it's way. i'll post photos when it's finally done. but out of this explosion has come some really great things - i have found that i have QUITE the collection of artsy-craftsy stuff. i have paper, pens, coloring books, yarn, paint, TONS of beads, stamps, fabric, a sewing machine, stained glass stuff, metal working stuff, cameras, art projects, sequins, and the list actually goes on. and in finding all this stuff, i have gotten MAJORLY inspired to get into it ALL and actually do things with it because i guess i forgot i had it. i am realizing there is this passion inside of me that is awakening. i mean, i'm always passionate - but the usual feeling of getting overwhelmed by all the possibilities of something isn't really arising right now and that's amazing.
i'm just SO excited about all of the possibilities. i have so many ideas. i have so many things i want to learn. i have so many things i want to try. i do wish there were more hours in the day to do them all but that's ok - i have a lifetime. i have a lifetime to WONDER and dream up new fabulous things. i have a lifetime to fill up my craftroom and someday have the perfect studio with ALL of my stuff packed into it.
i feel so powerful doing things i like - for ME and not for anyone else. not for money but just because i like to do it. it's back to school time - maybe i'll sign up for some classes.

those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer

although it's raining right now, we at least did have a few nice weeks of summer. that's right, i did say only a few weeks of summer. they say this is just a "summer storm" though. for some reason, i'm not sure i believe 'them'. 

stupid plastic bags

ok, i'll admit: i'm a tad obsessed with recycling. i will actually pilfer through the garbage can outside of my apartment or the one in the kitchen at work to find recyclables, rinse them out, and put them in their appropriate bin. i live in seattle. it's what we do. well, it's what most of us do.

it turns out that seattle has become one of the first major american cities to discourage the use of paper and plastic shopping bags by requiring grocery, drug, and convenience stores to charge 20 cents per bag. apparently the city council has also banned plastic foam food and drink containers. i think that is completely AWESOME. i'm ALL for it. i have about 8 different re-usable bags in my car (which i do occasionally forget IN THE CAR) and those puppies are strong and can hold a TON of shit.

but i was at albertsons the other day and there was this guy out there with a petition that said something about "the plastic bag tax" so i approached him, thinking it would be a GOOD petition. this dumbass was trying to get people to sign a petition against the plastic bag tax. seriously? i looked at him and admittedly, kind of scoffed, and said "oh no, I'M ALL FOR IT" and walked away shaking my head. seriously? like you're gonna take a DAY OFF work to sit outside and ask people to sign this petition so they don't have to pay 20 cents for the bags they're going to use and then throw into the garbage which will then just go lay in a landfill for the rest of this planet's life or end up in the ocean for all the little sea critters to eat?

wow. i'm sorry but get a life buddy - and the rest of you who signed the petition. spend the 99 cents and buy yourself a RE-USEABLE BAG. one that you can RE-USE. as in RE-USE a TON OF TIMES. hell, i'm sure once this law goes into full effect on january 1st, they'll be giving them away, all logo-ed out. i don't care what your logo is, i'll take one. actually, maybe i'll take a bunch of them and go sit outside the albertsons and give them away. hopefully the petition dip-shit will walk by so i can give him one. ha.

to do:

words to live by

so you think you can dance

SO i DON'T think I can dance. well, i can move around and look somewhat ok on a dance floor, but i certainly can't dance like the kids on this show. and yes, here is where i freely admit that i'm a bit of a SYTYCD junkie. i heart it. i'm ok with that.

i figure if i'm going to waste my time watching tv, at least i'm watching people with TRUE TALENT. i mean, they've got skills. and whats better than to watch a true dancing competition between people who are working extremely hard at something they're passionate about: dance.

this season started and i was a bit jaded by last season. i figured nothing could top last year. boy was i wrong. these dancers this year were absolutely incredible. and again, i cried. i cried almost every episode - usually when it was katie and joshua were dancing together. i mean, i'm passionate about things. and when i'm passionate, i go ALL out. so i can kind of relate. however, i can not relate at all to the passion these people have on the dance floor because simply, i can't dance like they can. they leave their hearts out there and it is brilliant. and it gets me every time. it makes me want to stand up and scream for them. it moves my heart and my soul. it stirs something deep inside me and gives me goosebumps. this is an artform straight from god. it is true, rich, real, and deep - an expression of their souls in the form of movement.
what i can't believe about this show is the short amount of time they spend learning the dance before they perform it. most of these people are trained only in one or two styles of dance, and then they have to pick out of a hat what styles they have to learn and then perform in like a day. the best part of this season, though, was the winner (joshua) was not trained at all. he was 19 and a straight hip hop dancer. you go, joshua. and when he danced with katie, the judges were right - it was like magic on that dance floor. those two together were connected in a way i will never fully know. not romantially but straight PASSIONately. they shared the same fervor for dance and it showed every single time.
completely radical.

olympics 08.08.08

i'm not into sports. never have been. never played them. don't have the attention span to watch them. however, when the olympics are on, i'm somehow glued to my tv set in anxious anticipation. i get all excited the days before, like it's about to be my birthday or something. i print out the schedule and circle the events i want to watch as if it were a list of sales i need to hit at the mall. and then, the opening ceremonies. YES! sweet! i turn them on and the blare throughout my home in all their triumphant glory.
so this year, of course i was a tad more excited because they fell on 08.08.08. how serendipitous! and of course, the chinese did it up in all their splendid grandeur. how fantastic were the details? how glorious were the colors? but seriously, how much more synchronized could they have been?!? amazing.
the banging drums, the perfect lines of thousands of people with NO marks on the ground, the lit up dancers, the performers graceful tai chi...it all made my heart flutter. and then - the games start. phelps lands his first gold with his first race of the games. and breaks a world record.
then i cry.
the men's gymnastics team performs and nail it.
i cry.
the synchronized divers float effortlessly through the air at warp-speed and land in the water perfectly at the same time with NO splash.
i cry.
i cry tears of overwhelming joy for these people. i cry tears of amazement at what humans can do.
i cry like those people are my relatives, like i was part of their training sessions, as if their winning somehow is directly related to some success in my life. kind of like when a guy gets upset when "his team" loses - as if he was actually on the team. as if he actually knows the players.
actually though, i cry because i'm sick and morbid sometimes. i'm actually scared that those girls' knees are gonna blow to smithereens when they land their double spinning triple back flip whatevers on the BALANCE BEAM. i cry because i'm afraid those chinese boys' shoulder muscles are gonna give way when they're holding themselves up on those fucking rings in the air.
and i cry because i could NEVER DO THAT. really, i just cry cause it's so damn awesome the things that us mere mortals can really do when we try, when we practice, when we persevere, when we set our minds to something. it's incredible.
the host city for the 2016 olympics is still being bid on but chicago is one of the candidates. hopefully they will be there and i can get my head out of my ass to plan a trip far enough in advance. i NEED to see some of this shit in person.
seriously.

desiderata and synchronicities...

i was at barnes and noble the other day and i came across this book titled "desiderata for baby lovers". i had to pick it up because i have heard of desiderata but had no idea what it was. i skimmed through it, interested, but of course like everything, my interest died and i set it back down; i got the drift.
then i checked out one of my friends' blogs, and i scrolled down to see the last weeks' posts, and what do i find? a post titled desiderata. hmmmmmmmmmmm. so of course i had to read it. and i read the whole thing.
synchronistic as this already is (running across the book last week, then seeing a friend's post about it?!), the last line in the third from the last phrase = one of my MOST favorite quotes: "And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
whoa.
so, here it is, for you to read, and for me to read to remind myself daily of some very important things...

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

oh boy, here we go...

i swore, i SWORE i would never blog. 'blogging is for people who have way too much time on their hands.' 'blogging is for people who just want to rant and rave about nothing to no one.'

or so i thought.

sooooo, here i am, walking into the great wide open, blogging. and actually, i'm pretty excited about it. i have quite the short attention span, always have. so to try to keep a diary or journal, which i've attempted many times over my life, usually ends up with about 3 entries, all spaced out by about a year or so. i've tried and tried, and then i start writing and my mind wanders into some dreamscape or imaginary world and i set the pen and paper down. and don't pick it up for a year.

however, i can type like a mutha. thus, this blog. i'm still pretty ambivalent about the whole thing, though. so many options! and i tend to get a tad overwhelmed by too many options...so i'm taking it slow. but how can i get overwhelmed by such a fabulous platform to express myself, yet again?! i loooooove expressing myself! especially when i can make it all colorful and fabulous.

so welcome.

welcome to my new home for randomness - thoughts, art, ideas, rants and raves, wonderment, imagination, creativity, inspiration, craziness, and just allaround majik...