allow me to (re)introduce myself

I started this blog in 2008. That’s 10 years ago. I wrote in it about 25 times, the last in 2011. It’s interesting looking back at the posts, to see what moved me, what inspired me, what made me think about something. I’ve always been told to be a writer. My English teacher in college literally got on her knees as she gave me my final paper. She said, “Jennie, please, PLEASE be a writer. Your attention to detail is incredible and your style is something different. Be a writer.” I’ve thought about that so many times since she said that, back in 2000. I’ve tried many times, but journals and diaries aren’t my thing. I’ve written quite a lot on Facebook, and that’s turned dirty. I post now on Instagram and I am now writing more of my story there, but it still doesn’t feel “enough”. I started a special page on FB too, and that doesn’t feel quite right. So, I came back here. This feels right. I will, most likely, post here first and then take parts of it and yah, put it on the FB page and on IG. The FB page is specifically for the medical stuff I’m going through right now; it’s major and it MUST be written about. (Jennie’s Brain Games is the name of the page, please join!)

So, here I am. I am THE voice. I majored in communication in college, I taught communication 101. I have a voice. And now? I am speaking. So, let’s catch up a bit on the last, oh, 10 years.

I’ve had jobs. I’ve had friends. A few friends have died in the last year which was an awakening and heart-breaking at the same time. I left Seattle in 2011 or 2010 I can’t even remember, to move to Albuquerque (ABQ), New Mexico, to be with a man I was dating long-distance. He couldn’t move to Seattle due to having a child, so I said it’s now or never, and I moved to ABQ. The relationship didn’t work out but I stayed in ABQ for about 6-months longer, to make it MY experience; to leave still with some amount of love (no, it was just OK) for ABQ. Of course, that meant I had to create my own life here, even for just 6-monhts. The fun part about this (this is a big factor in what’s going on inside me now, you’ll get it, keep reading) was the apartment I was living in was leaking water from the roof. They pretended it wasn’t but with a giant patch of green on my bedroom ceiling, and ruined electronics in the living room, AFTER being “fixed”, that was not a good look. I had to move to a different place just for the 6 months. Good times. But in all of that, I found a woman who taught me reiki, which had been on my “list” for years. She’s a shaman and an incredible soul. She asked me what I was doing next and I told her I was going to leave ABQ and somehow get to Europe. That I wanted to be an English teacher. Turned out her daughter was going to Prague to get her teaching certificate, to do the same thing. WHAT?! So, I moved back to Seattle, and decided that 4 months later, I would head to Prague. To get my TEFL (teach English as a foreign language) Certificate, and then of course I was going to manifest a job in Thailand. I packed literally for Thailand. Didn’t happen. I couldn’t go back to the states and then go to Thailand so I had to figure it out. I opened up to my second option which I didn’t even know it was an option then: Turkey. I had a couple of contacts in the states from there and 5 minutes after reaching out to one in Turkey, I got an email that pretty much said, “When will you be here?” Ohhhhhh wow. Ok. So. I went to Istanbul a few weeks later. ISTANBUL. Turkey. Right.

 I ended up staying in Istanbul for almost 5 years. I’m not even sure what to say about that time in this post; quite frankly, it was THE time of my life. Other than college, this was my life. I loved it. I hated it. It was so difficult. A lot of people couldn’t handle it for even 6 months. But for me? It was the biggest challenge of my life. And I LOVED it. And hated it. Did I mention that? It was hot. It was 20-million-people-in-my-face-every-day crowded. Syria is its neighbor. Imagine how many people made it to Istanbul from the far east border. Gezi Park and the conflicts that erupted there, and happened every year. The political situation and their prime minister who changed everything just to make himself president. The paperwork. The armed police literally everywhere, with machine guns. The food. The smells. The friends I met there. The lovers. The passion. The heat. The islands. Being surrounded by water. I can go on and on. And I can also make a huge list of the atrocities and absurdities of the everyday life there. Istanbul will be for mentioned in so many upcoming post; it’s hard NOT to talk about it, so more later.

I was an awesome English teacher; I started at a private course and worked there for about a year and a half. Then moved on to one-on-one courses where I would travel to peoples’ homes or offices; this was big money and a lot of work but was pretty great. I ended up teaching English at Istanbul university, the oldest, most respected school in the country. A bunch of 18-year olds trying to learn English. Imagine that!!! Holy lord, that was not always easy. But I still have friends from there, and friends all over Turkey; I would still be there had I not chosen to come back to the states.

So, fast forward to the end of my time there, July 2016. I woke up with a killer headache, resting just over my left eye. It was weird. I knew it was. It was hot out; July in Istanbul, good grief. It was humid as well. I was on my way to a private lesson, that’s what I did in the summers to supplement my income, and this was my favorite girl, Yaprak. She was 10 and we loved each other. I was on the bus, thinking about the next few weeks: ‘go to Croatia in a couple of days, move apartments when I get back, and then mom is coming and she will be here for 6 weeks. Ok, if I’m still feeling this headache after Croatia, I’ll go to the hospital.’ At that very moment, something kicked in: my INTUITION. I guess I just knew that I couldn’t do that. I called Yaprak’s mom and told her I needed to go to the hospital. Immediately. And I did. During that time, I was also feeling a little strange on the right side of my body: my arm was going numb. And a couple of times I felt that I actually couldn’t speak English; that I would try to say something and it did NOT come out as I planned. So, I ended up at the public hospital. In Istanbul. You can’t even imagine what this was like. I called 2 of my girlfriends and they met me there.

We were there for hours. I spoke Turkish. Well, I spoke SOME Turkish. But I’m not a doctor, I don’t know medical terminology, and in turkey, when people are stressed, they are LOUD. Well, they’re always loud. But in this hospital, I looked normal and people were pushing me out of the way. It was crazy. We were there for hours, like 10-12 hours. They sent me outside to walk here and there with an IV IN MY ARM. At the end of the night, 12:00am, they called us into the room.

The man looked at me very clearly and just said, “you have a brain tumor.”

I just sat there. I looked at my friends, and I said nothing. What the fuck is a brain tumor, I’m wondering. The girlfriends started asking questions, and I just stayed silent. The doctor was very clear and very worried, acting like I needed to have it operated on RIGHT NOW. I asked him to take out the IV, he asked if I was sure, I said YES.

2 days later, my mother arrived, just after the biggest international airport had an enormous shooting inside of it. She had to pay a fortune. But she had to get there.

2 weeks later, I was in the hospital after choosing a surgeon that said he would need to do the surgery while I was awake. I didn’t know what that meant, but that was the reason I chose HIM.

They cut my head open from the top of my ear (temple area) in a giant curved C-shape, to the top of my forehead. They removed the tumor but didn’t do any of it while I was awake because it was too risky; they took out 95% but said the remaining 5% was on my speech area (Boca’s center) and that it is a slow-growing tumor that I’ve probably had for 10-15 years. If it comes back, they will just cut it out again! It was NOT cancer, they did NOT recommend chemo or radiation, they just said get it checked out in 3 months, you’re good to go! I was in the hospital for a week and the night after the surgery, there was an attempted coup at the LITERAL foot of my bed; on the end of the Bosphorous Bridge, which I could see from my room. We thought we were either getting bombed (because YES, again, the neighboring country was Syria and YES, there was a bomb that landed just near the building I taught in) or there was an earthquake but all I knew was I had NO idea what was going on and nobody told us. Again, good times. 5 days later the English-speaking crew appeared in my room telling me that oooooohhhh no, that was NOT a coup! Uh-huh, you’re insane. But whatever.

The 2nd day after my surgery, I had decided what I was going to do: go to visit my friend in Cape Town, South Africa, and then go back to the states. Go back to the states to HEAL, I said, even though I figured this shit had been taken OUT of my head so it’s never coming back (!) but more importantly, to go back to school. I had been working with a practitioner in ABQ before and in the time, I had been gone, she and her sister started a program for exactly what I wanted and have wanted to study for YEARS: NATURAL MEDICINE and all the things that go with it: energy work, exercise, whole foods, supplements, essential oils and chakras and the list went on. Yep. Sign me up.

So, I did. And 3-months later, I returned to the states. 9 suitcases full to the brim. I made it to Seattle, where I’m from, stayed there for 6 weeks, and then started down the west coast driving to Bend, Oregon to see some old and VERY dear friends. Then, I made it to California where my parents were, staying with them and meeting some of their new friends. Just after Christmas, I started to drive BACK to ABQ (which, mind you, I did not like at all the first time I was there but I was determined to make it MINE this time and I was ok with it!). Headed to Denver, Colorado for New Year’s Eve with another very dear, old friend, and then, back to ABQ for school to start the first weekend in January, 2017.

Now, I’m sorry, but I still HATE ABQ, but I made it here for a reason: school. All that went well until about April, when I started having these seizures again. So much to say about all of this as this is where I’m at right NOW – being an advocate for myself when the allopathic (Western) doctors just want me to have chemotherapy AND radiation when I don’t even have CANCER. To this I say: WHAT THE FUCK are you talking about?! I haven’t finished school yet but I will, but I have a firm principle of NO chemicals in ANY form in my body!!! So right now, I am hunting, asking, praying for guidance, and it might not be found in New Mexico. This blog is now, my forum – not just for my health situation, but for so many other things! But I will write more about this whole process, just not right now.

For now, I just wanted to re-introduce myself! I know you and some of you I’m sure I don’t! So, welcome to my land! My life! My stories, journeys, adventures, hard times and the best times! Please SUBSCRIBE to this! Share it with your friends! There might be a morsel of goodness in here that will stick with you or someone else. I’m happy to have you here but more than that, I’m happy to be “back”.

I’m the voice. The voice with a CHOICE. And here is where we talk about that. Blessings and love to you today, and to me too!

in the grand scheme of things

...we really are so small. i usually am extremely present to this fact but sometimes, even more so. the earthquake and resulting tsunami that hit japan last week really ruffled my feathers. i am a very sensitive person so these kinds of things generally do affect me, and very heavily - but this one really got me. of course, the devastation going on saddens me. it makes me think "what would i do in that situation? are my material possessions really that important? have i told my loved ones that i love them? how can i help?" but even more so, it has made me EXTREMELY present to the fact that really, we are so small in this world. and we have ABSOLUTELY.NO.CONTROL.

on top of that, it makes me very present to the fact that while we have no control, we humans DO play a huge role in all of this. yes, natural disasters are just that: natural. and normal. this earth is so large and we will just never be able to fully grasp it's power or understand everything that it can do. only god knows all of that. but the thing that really gets me is that we are accelerating some of the things that would have naturally occurred at their own time. of course continents are going to shift, ice is going to melt, storms are going to crash...but i fully believe us humans are doing so many things to this earth that it just can't handle it. well, it can, it is just moving faster now to accommodate and make up for all the crap we're doing as well.

i believe this world, our planet, this life is a GIFT. and i believe we were ALL given brains to think. but if there are SO many smart people out there, doing amazing and miraculous things with that gift, then why do we continue to make HORRIBLE decisions? is it money? greed? power? all of the above? when will we, as a WHOLE, realize that we can make changes NOW? that we are ALL part of the problem AND the SOLUTION? that the "ripple affect" is REAL?! that even the smallest thoughts we think, the actions we take, the hate we give out, the LOVE we show really makes a difference?

so today i pray for change. for the change to start here, with me, and ripple outward. to my city, my state, my country, my world. that i will live to see the day where things have not been reversed but maybe just on the way to CHANGING. i fully believe there is a LARGE portion of this world who are on that path, and i DO feel a global shift starting to occur. i think it can happen. people are scared that the world will end on december 12, 2012...well, i think it's going to be just the opposite ~ the beginning of a global transformation. and it all starts right here...

i really did it

i'm sitting here typing this from bed, and i can't believe i'm actually still IN bed. what a luxurious feeling. i'm watching tv, in bed, which is also something i don't usually do. again, the luxury. but i'm looking out the windows where it's kind of blustery out and cloudy {thus the reason for working from bed}. blech. i HATE this kind of weather. i especially hate this weather in albuquerque. while the weather was not the number one reason for moving, it was DEFINITELY toward the top of the list. i thought it would be all warm and sunny ALL the time, even in the winter. not so much. when i first got here at the end of november it was cold. and grey. and cold. and i was surprised and not too thrilled with it. but it seemed to move on fairly quickly because as soon as i thought i needed some new boots, i was wearing flip flops. but the weather here seems to be quite bi-polar, kind of like seattle. and when it is grey here, it REALLY makes me aware of how much the weather and sunlight affect me...but overall, the amount of sunlight here in the southwest thus far is making me veryyyyyyyy happy.

which brings me to my point: i can NOT believe i actually moved here. three months ago i lived in seattle. and now i live in new mexico. i packed up all my shit and put it in a truck and drove for four days and now i am a new mexican. i'm so proud of myself for doing it. and really, the transition has been pretty awesome. yes, it's a completely different city and it is extremely QUIRKY with crazy people, different cuisine (NO i do NOT want red or green chile on EVERYTHING I EAT, thank you), and radically different climate, but SO FAR, SO GOOD.

i am not going to say that this has been easy. in fact, i might go so far as to say this has been the most challenging thing i've done in my life. to pick up everything i know and leave my entire support system of friends and family. but the fact is, i did it for love. it was a CHOICE, and i chose it. it wasn't a weird move for 'work' that i didn't really want (although my work is part of all of this, thank god i don't work for some big company that just had to 'move' me). it was a choice. i chose to follow my heart and give it a go. i mean, how do you really know if you don't try?

do i miss my friends and family? of course. do i miss seattle restaurants?! TOTALLY! and do i miss my routines and my comfort zone? oh yah. but that was how i knew i needed to do this. change does not come easy for me. it is not my best friend. i lived in the same apartment in seattle for six and a half years. so i knew i needed to rock my boat, if you will. and i followed my heart to a creative, loving, amazing man who has made this transition fun, full of adventure, and full of love.

life is really just a 'choose your own adventure' book. there is no 'wrong' or 'right', there just is whichever road you choose. i am excited about the many adventures i am on...

it's been a while...

wow. it's been almost 2 YEARS since i've blogged. that's crazy. why has it taken me so long? well, i kind of knew as i started this blog that it would be a difficult thing for me to do every day. i've never been one to write in a journal or a diary ~ i've had the best intentions but in fact, i'm pretty sure i have about 10 journals around my house that each have about 1-3 entries, all starting with "well, i've tried this before to no avail...let's see how this turns out" or something of the sort. and if i remember correctly, my very first post on this blog started out the same way...
so what's my problem? why don't i blog more? i mean, i'm smart! i'm hip! i'm creative! i like cool things! i think about doing it all the time. then i think i'll just post something on facebook and call it a day, but then i never do that either because i hem and haw about "who cares?" "who wants to read this?". honestly, i think it's just a little bit of stage fright. i've always felt "pressure" (self-imposed, of course) to write the "right" thing, or write the "right" way, or write the "cool" things that people would be interested in. well, no more. i have come to realize that my blog is MY BLOG. i can do whatever i want with it. i can write however i want, about whatEVER i want, and i don't have to write for an audience. i have come to realize that writing, in it's purest and simplest form, is cathartic. it's a release. it gathers up all of those pesky and not-so-pesky thoughts that roll around in my brain and puts them somewhere else. it's healthy. it can be creative or not, but who really cares?!

during my first year in college i took an english 101 class. my teacher sat me down after only a few assignments and very seriously said to me "i am going to encourage you to be a WRITER. your attention to detail is exquisite and you can really tell a story through your words..." so i considered it, took a few creative writing classes, and then realized i just didn't want to major in english, so i majored in communication. because i can talk. and i like to talk. and i can talk a LOT. and i ended up teaching a bunch of communication 101 classes and ended up writing a LOT of papers, but none too creative, since they were all for my boring major...

so here it is, the beginning of march in 2011, and i'm going to give this another shot (we could talk now about the list i made on january 1st, not of resolutions but just of 'positive reminders' i like to call them. we could talk about how BLOGGING is on that list and it has been 60 days since i wrote said list. but we won't mention that.) i have come to realize that usually throughout my day, i have quite a few things to say. usually i just say them to myself, but now i think i will start saying them HERE. facebook is so lame and is not really the platform for most of the things that i think about. it can get very shallow at times and of course i want to talk about ALL things important! nah, not really. in actuality, most of the things i think about writing down aren't really that monumental at all, but they're somehow important to me. and maybe some day other people will find what i write interesting and important too. but that is not my goal here. i just want to create a place for ME. for MY musings. for MY idiosyncratic thoughts and questions and quirky ideas. i want a place where i can talk about my orchids that are blooming, my explorations of a new city, my new nail polish color, the weirdness i saw today, the jewelry i've been making, or any other number of random tid-bits.
and alas, i have already created the space for all of this: THIS BLOG...

busy around the feeder

i love hummingbirds. they are so amazing to me. it's definitely feeding time and therefore, probably breeding time down here in palm desert cause they are EVERYwhere. i'll be sitting outside and hear what sounds like a small airplane right by my ear and i look to see it's a hummingbird, busily flapping his or her wings a zillion miles per hour, hovering over a small flower. they zip around, hit all the plants and flowers, then hit up the few feeders we have in the yard, then buzz off into the distance. the best part is when one is at the feeder and another one comes and tried to get in on the action, and the first one fights it and scares it off. how hilarious. and when they sit on the little feeder perch, with their teensie tiny little feet ~ to die for. it's nice to see they've figured out those perches. too bad they haven't figured out it's only sugar water. oh well, they're happy.

i did one of those stupid facebook quizzes that said my spirit animal guide whatever is the hummingbird. not that i give much credence to those stupid quizzes...but i did think it was interesting. i do get really mesmerized when i see one...and to think of how much energy those little things are giving off at any given second. i mean, you can't even distinguish one wing when they're flying, they're moving so fast. and their long pointed beaks that just slide perfectly into a flower (or feeder)...craziness. such a work of art...

spring has sprung

spring is here and that makes me very happy. i have come to realize over the years that spring is my season. i adore it. little crocus and daffodils and tulips are just beginning to peak up out of the soil. robins are flying about and snatching up worms. the cherry trees, oooohhhhh the cherry trees are in full bloom in all their bubblegum pink glory. baby birdies are chirping outside my window. and the sun is shining a bit more.
spring is a season of renewal. rebirth. starting fresh. it brings me great joy to see the winter fade and the warmer months come in. and of course my birthday falls in the springtime so i'm sure that has soooomething to do with it. and i recently found out that according to numerology and my number being a 7, my flower is the crocus. how apropos considering i've always loved these little guys.
how exciting. i look forward to seeing what comes from this rebirth...

bali-haiiiiiiii

i'm back from bali. well, physically i may be back but mentally and spiritually, i am still there. i think a part of me will always be there. i feel like it is a second home for me now. i have been doing a lot of thinking about why this is ~ why aren't i really sad to be home like i normally am when i return from a vacation? it's because i'm still there. i was immersed into the balinese culture. i became balinese. from the second i got off the plane and no one was there to pick me up at 3:30 am (and there was supposed to be someone), it was sink or swim, bali-style. it wasn't a luxurious, lay by the pool, watch the palm trees sway, go on arranged tours kind of trip - it was a "we're going to the heart of the market. meet back here in 6 hours. have fun" kind of a trip. it was non-stop, get up at 5 am and explore and make art kind of a trip. it was completely intense and amazing. and i am forever changed because of it.
it was hot. it was in the upper 80s and 80-90% humidity. i finally figured out on the second day that i just needed to carry around a washcloth to mop my brow, constantly. i sweat. a lot. it was gorgeous. it was a third-world country. it was dirty and the pollution was sometimes unbearable. not necessarily garbage piles everywhere but fumes from scooters that were EVERYwhere, that ran on diesel, filled my lungs and by the last day i sounded like a trucker. but what covered up that smell was incense. it was like the entire island was dunked in incense, at all times. and then there was the fragrant smell of durian. i never tried it (and i really meant to) but the smell permeated many areas. i kind of got used to it. it was actually a bit comforting.
i think what really got me the most was the intense spirituality of this place, of these people. no matter how poor they were, they put out an offering every.single.morning. i was lucky enough to get lots of drivers and make buddies with lots of locals who spoke good english so i asked most of them about this phenomenon that i was SO captivated by. one told me that they set out offerings every morning to thank god for what they were given: a new day, this life, the blessings around them. they offered up to god what they had been given: rice, fruit, flowers, incense, eggs, money. and every single one was in a hand woven small basket made of palm fronds. one driver told me simply: it is the only way their people could live in HARMONY. i found this to be moving, and delightful. and quite a departure from what we, as americans, know. and it seemed so simple. so so simple. as an innocent bystander, it seemed like their culture moved so fast and so abruptly ~ the scooters whizzing by with 2 adults on one with a baby squished in the middle of them, all without helmets. the street lights that no one stopped at, as they were just a suggestion. the kids filling their water bottles from the hose on the street (YIKES). the ancient women walking bare-foot and shirtless down the semi-paved road carrying bushels of greens on their heads. but really, after only a few days, i realized - there is a system here. and everyone is smiling. they've figured it out. they are not unhappy. they don't question their lives. they all have their role and it's as if everyone knows everyone else's. and it's all good. and safe. and it works. quite well, actually. and they offer up their thanks multiple times daily. and it's out with the bad, and in with the good. and they live in harmony. and they leave the rest up to the gods.
why is it so hard for our culture to figure that out?
it was a beautiful thing, to realize this. the word that came to my mind every single day, multiple times daily was DEDICATION. whether they were carving stone or wood by hand, plowing the rice paddies or planting rice by hand, carrying bushels or buckets of fish on their heads, making their offering baskets and setting them out daily, selling fruit or grains at the market...they were dedicated.
another buddy of mine explained to me that bali is predominantly a hindu culture and buddhism is the other major religion on the island. therefore, everyone believes so heavily in karma that they would never hurt a fly. or the plate-sized spiders for that matter. everyone, everything has a role and who are they to decide? thus, the incredible love and positivity that every one of the balinese displayed. i never felt unsafe or unwelcome, even as an obviously white american woman. they all smiled, waved, welcomed me, and appreciated me. how novel. and they all loved obama. once they found out i was american, they always said "yay, obama!". it was adorable. and quite lovely to think that all the way on the other side of the world, at least someone is happy for the US.
i loved the detail on this island. i was actually in heaven. the stone carvings that seemed to beam ancient emotion, the temples that were everywhere and sometimes even in the middle of nowhere, the wood carvings that were so intricate. even on the huts on the side of the road there were statues or detailed carvings. what craftsmanship. and to them, it's just totally normal. for me, i was in paradise. and on major sensory overload. but i couldn't get enough. i was entranced by the sites, everywhere i looked.
my mind is now swimming with the things i saw, the sounds i heard. i look out at the grey skies of seattle and all i can see are my favorite bali scenes...i hope that never dies. spring is coming so birds are outside my window and all i can hear is the multitude of bugs, roosters, and scooters.
something in me has awakened. not just the travel bug, but a new sense of self. we place so much importance on stupid things in the states ~ money, clothes, cars, electronics. and rarely do we STOP to give thanks. yah, i like my "stuff". i like my collections of tchotchkes, i won't lie. and i collected even more on this trip. but the best thing i collected from bali is a spirituality that one can only get when immersed in it. it's not something you can just read about. you have to FEEL it. you have to experience it. and boy did i. and i am richer for it. i find myself giving thanks more, and finding more pleasure in the little things. well let's be clear, i've always loved the little things ~ but now it's just different.
as my friend hope said, a new layer has been added to my rich, colorful life.
honestly, i think more than a few layers have been added...

anticipation

wow. i haven't posted for quite a while. oh well, who cares, moving forward...

i am anxiously getting ready for my trip to bali. i can't wait. but really, it's so surreal. all i did was give money for the retreat and buy a plane ticket. no research involved, just a SIGN ME UP button to push. actually, what a great way to travel! so since i got, shall we say "laid off", i've been blessed to have this month to prepare. it's funny when you wish and hope and pray for something and then you get it in a completely different form than you thought you would. i kept praying for more time to prepare since i was working full-time and wouldn't have much time to shop, gather, make trades, etc...then BAM. no job. but PLENTY of free time. so i've been making lists and checking them off - shopping for art supplies and shorts, filing for unemployment, catching up on sleep!, reading, and making cool beaded mandalas to trade with my fellow bali-travelers while there. it's been such a blessing to be able to do this and not have to work at the same time! i'm so lucky...
i do have to say, though, i'm a bit nervous about this trip. i mean, it's a mixed-media art retreat and i'm not a mixed-media artist. but i think it's going to be ok. i'm artsy. just because i don't paint doesn't mean i won't be able to. i'm excited to be challenged and i know that whatever i make will be amazing and all part of the process. and to be doing it in bali? what an amazing opportunity and experience, plus to get all of anahata's experience and knowledge will be simply incredible.
but other than making art, i really intend on opening up my heart, my mind, my soul - to just let myself go and be guided by the journey. no planning. just exploring and taking in whatever i'm supposed to take in. whatever presents itself to me i will be open to. i want to learn, see, explore. i want to learn about my self on this trip. i can not wait to be immersed in such a different culture - with all the COLOR, people, food. i know it will be such an amazing JOURNEY.

and through this preparation i am realizing that i WANT to learn more about myself but mostly about my spiritual self. i am realizing that although i do think i'm pretty creative, i don't think i KNOW that about myself. i don't think i am CONFIDENT in who i am at all times. i wrestle with myself and what other people will think of me and i don't like that. i would really like to start meditating - i don't know how and i think i need to learn. i need to find that higher sense of myself and that higher realm of my spirituality. i really feel that because i am thinking all of this, that this is just the beginning. i feel i am on my way, or at least i have started on a really amazing path. and i think this trip is coming at THE PERFECT time in my life.

i am so open...
i can't wait to see what happens.
i can't wait to feel what happens...

winter wonderland

so it has finally snowed. and i'm loving it. and i'm loving my decorations. i want to keep them up all year round. today i'm thankful for:

• snow days! i dont' have to go to work, i'm not anxious about all the stuff i 'have' to do because i really don't have to do much more, other than make a few pressies and wrap them!
• heat
• cozy beds and blankets
• sarah and justin had baby jaxsen yesterday - i can't wait to meet him
• sparkles, of course

words of wisdom (for me)

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the question now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually without even noticing, live your way into the answer."
-Rainer Maria Rilke

sparkles

on the heels of that blah last post, i remembered that i resolved to remember that i am truly blessed, and that i was going to try to write that down as often as i can on here. so here is what i feel blessed for right now:

• i don't need or really want anything for christmas. i have everything and more than i could ever need; some people don't have a fraction of that. sure i want a new camera, some sequined fuchsia converse, and a face steamer - but really, i don't need anything. really.
• i have a job right now when lots and lots of people are getting layed off.
• christmas ornaments and decorations are so completely adorable, especially the bright colored ones and sparkly ones. how fun and festive. thus, my christmas tree is always fuchsia, turquoise, purple, and green. duh.
• my best friend sarah is having a baby boy in january and i am happy we have resolved our issues so i can be a part of his life. her shower is this weekend and i crocheted a blanket for her/him. i can't wait to give it to her.
• i am loved. while my relationship with b.f. right now isn't as good as i want it to be, i am still loved. i need to remember that. i've wished all my life to be loved (by someone other than my parents) and now i am and sometimes i take that for granted.
• i feel blessed (and need to remember this) that i actually have too much to do - this means i'm interested in a lot of things, have too many hobbies, and like to be doing things :) a lot of people don't even know what a hobby is.

now i'm excited to put up my decorations, even if it's just lil' ol' me who sees them

blah

i'm feeling a bit out of sorts lately. i was thinking that this blog would be a place to jot down only positive, wonderful, beautiful, creative thoughts, but it's my blog so i can do what i want with it.
so i'm going to.
it's the holiday season. yay. i wish i was more excited about it. thanksgiving was ok - but mom's ankle surgery a few weeks prior meant that she had to orchestrate and not really help. i mean she helped but not like usual. it was me doing most of it which was fun but a bit overwhelming. and then after 8 hours in the kitchen POOF it's eaten and put away. being an only child means and has always meant that it's just me and my parents around the table; like any other night. this year theo was with us which adds entertainment but it's also just like any time he and i go to their house for dinner. no kids running around, no grandparents or other family - just the 4 of us. it makes me sad.
and now it's the beginning of december and everyone and their mothers are out running around like the world is going to end tomorrow. hustling and bustling for what? to get that present for little timmy? who cares?! there were shootings and deaths on black friday. for what? to get that game from wal-mart? give me a break people. and i feel like i need to get sucked into all of that too but i really don't. i need to make a few pieces of jewelry and get a couple of presents. no one needs anything and again, i don't have a big family to buy for (which is actually a blessing) so i really don't need to do much. but how is it that it always comes down to the last minute? it was just november, and now it's december. i want to put up my christmas tree but when? hopefully this weekend or early next week.
i like to get into the spirit but sometimes it's really hard. i look around at all the cute decorations and everyone's going to holiday parties and i just don't have the time to do all that and that makes me sad. i think someday that will all change when i have kids - i look forward to doing little holiday things with them and starting new traditions; making new recipes to pass down, making decorations to bring out each year, singing carols and watching christmas movies and seeing their little faces light up. but right now there just doens't seem to be anything too 'special' about this time of year. i feel like there are so many things i'd like to do but just don't have the time or the means to do so. especially right now with this economy; it's getting ridiculous.
but i suppose i'll just have to make my holiday mean what i want it to mean. remember the true reason for this season and to make it whatever i want to make it. keep up my christmas tree until march because it's cute, not becuase it HAS to go away when christmas is over. not get overwhelmed by all that has to be done because really, it's just another day, another month. love the ones i'm with and have a good time, whatever that looks like. i think we'll be ordering chinese food and watching movies on christmas eve and night instead of cooking all day. that will be fun and different and maybe a new tradition. who knows? but it can still be fun. get a few presents for the people who i want to give to, send out a few packages, get up my decorations to enjoy, and call it good. and give thanks for life. for everything in it. good and bad.

ok. that feels better.

synchronicities

so i sign into my igoogle today and one of the applications i added to it is 'places to see' - a photo that changes each time i refresh the page. sometimes there are places i've actually seen, sometimes there are places that are on my own personal 'to see before i die' list.

what was pictured today? pura tirta empul in tampaksiring, BALI INDONESIA.

riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. um, i'll be there in about 4 months.

there really are no coincidences. everything is perfectly orchestrated. perfectly.

so that leads me to my list of daily blessings:

• i'm thankful for doctors who know what they're doing. mom had her ankle surgery today which was supposed to entail a breaking of the ankle to fix it with a cadaver's ankle. turned out that they didn't need to break it to fix it - which means less work, faster recovery, less pain. all extremely good things.
• a warm and fuzzy bed that cradles me everytime i get in it.
• synchronicities - they remind me that there really are no coincidences. they remind me that there really is a grand plan to all of this craziness. sometimes it reallllllly doesn't seem that way - but when little things like the photo of bali pop up, it just reminds me that things are really going just as they should...
  

blessed

i recently saw my friend, rebekah. i haven't seen her in a while, but i was blessed by her presence this week. she has always been an inspiration to me - she is so creative, strong in her faith, and the sweetest person i think i've ever met. i often read her blog and am constantly inspired by it. she has such a beautiful family, loves to take great photographs, and has such a witty way of writing.

so i'm going to follow in her footsteps and {try} to write as often as i can, about how my life is blessed. big or small, whatever they are, i am blessed.

• so this week i feel blessed that rebekah was put in my path. she reminded me of how i long to be a graceful person in everything i do. and she also reminded me (inadvertently) that you really can find great things at a thrift store! oh boy do i know that. but sometimes i need to be reminded.
  
• i feel blessed that i have a loving family, when some do not even have that.
• i feel blessed that my job allows me to be creative - not all the time, but at least sometimes.

ok. that's good for now. i think those are a great way to start my list of blessings.

more to come. i have no doubt.

thank you for inspiring me, rebekah.

been a bit busy...but blessings still abound

i had a feeling this would happen: it's been months since i've even looked at this thing. oh well i suppose - life is what happens when we're busy making plans...
so here are a few things that have happened over the past few months, to remind myself of how beautiful (and crazy at times!) my life really is:

• beautiful orcas island for theo's birthday celebration in september
• a fantastic, exhilerating spaaaaaaa day with my beautiful friend, joy - what an amazing way to relax and rejuvenate. this was something i've always wanted to do but just haven't - truthfully, i never understood the effects of going to a spa until now...i haven't felt that good in a long time and neither has my skin! i made a resolution to go once a month, at least
• a revelation that i'm allergic to soy milk! i'd been breaking out like a 13-year old and a dumb dermatologist said it was hormones. well, the estrogen in the soy milk was making my hormones go crazy! thank god for the internet and a wealth of information for me to find! and no more teen break outs! and no more wanting-to-kill-myself pms. yikes.
• a gorgeous day at snoqualmie falls with theo - just as summer turns to fall and all the leaves started to turn...
• history in the making: obama is elected president! what an amazing victory, in so many ways.
• i've stepped out and made plans for my fabulous trip to bali in march. i can't hardly wait. i can't believe i'm doing this. i've followed this girl's blog and only dreamed of going to bali with her, then i realized I CAN DO THIS! thanks to my wonderful third cousin, margaret (rest in peace), i can afford to do this. so i did it. i got the time off, made the flight reservations, and am doing it. i don't think the reality of it has set in yet...
• a realization that i need god in my life, in my relationships, in my everyday. i've always been spiritual, religious to an extent, but never realized until now that i need god to be the base of everything i do. otherwise, i could probably do 'it' but perhaps not with the grace, understanding, patience, or guidance that god can provide. i am open to the guidance. i pray that my heart will be softened and my eyes and ears will be open to the guidance. i look forward to the lessons...

serenity

we recently frolicked on orcas island. i forgot how gorgeous it is in the san juan islands. we got lucky and the weather was absolutely perfect - warm and glorious. it's amazing to leave the hustle and bustle and go somewhere that is only a few hours away, but feels like a world away - where the air is fresh, and water is all around. no traffic, 1 stop sign, three blocks of 'town'. everyone knows eachother. people look at you in the eye and say 'hello' - a bit unnerving at first, because no one does that anywhere anymore. the town closes at dark. it's darker at night because there are no city lights. people are friendly because they genuinely want to be there - they have chosen to be there. what a delight. we left feeling refreshed, relaxed, and realizing that there really is something to be said about living a more simple life...




i was so happy to discover the 'macro' setting on my camera. these are some of the most fantastic photos i've ever taken and i was THRILLED at the detail. a whole new world opened up...


seriously, this is THE biggest blackberry i have ever seen. i had to bite it three times to get through it! that's a teaspoon, people!

lucky number 7

i read a friend's blog today and she decided to look up her life path number. what in the world is that? so i looked up mine and it turned out to be 7...here's what they had to say about folks with the life path number of 7 (i can't believe how eerily accurate it is):

The Life Path 7 suggests that you entered this plane with a gift for investigation, analysis, and keen observation. You are a thinker of the first order. You evaluate situations very quickly, and with amazing accuracy. As a result, you are thorough and complete in your work, the perfectionist who expects everyone else to meet a high standard of performance, too.
A Life Path 7 person is a peaceful and affectionate soul. But you guard your connection to people carefully. It's easy for you to detect deception and recognize insincere people, and you avoid them. You aren't one to have a wide circle of friends, but once you accept someone as a friend, it's for life. It's as if you must get to know someone a lot better before you allow the wall surrounding you to be penetrated. Chances are you are a very charming and refined individual with great poise and a quick wit. Nonetheless, there is an exclusiveness about you. You probably aren't a very social person. Your reserve is often taken to be aloofness, but actually, it's not that at all. It is merely a cover up for your basic feeling of insecurity. There's no rush, It takes time for you to warm up to new friends. Clubs and organizations hold little interest for you; you are not a joiner.
You actually like being alone and away from the hustle and bustle of modern life. In many ways, you would have fit in better in much earlier times when the pace of life was less hectic. You need a good deal of quiet time to be with your own inner thoughts and dreams. You dislike crowds, noise, distractions, and confusion.
The overwhelming strength of the number 7 is reflected in the depth of thinking that is shown; you will garner knowledge from practically every source that you find. Intellectual, scientific, and studious, you don't accept a premise until you have dissected the subject and arrived at your own independent conclusion.
This is a very spiritual number and it often denotes a sort of spiritual wisdom that becomes apparent at a fairly early age. A built in inner guide providing a strong sense of intuition may set you up as being a law unto yourself. Whatever spiritual position you take, whether traditional or bizarre, you will cling to it with fervor. Once you have decided an issue, it is almost impossible to get you to revisit the question. Adaptability is not your style, and change for you is a rarity.
You rely heavily on your experiences and your intuition, rather than accepting advice from someone. Your hunches usually prove to be very accurate, and knowing this, you follow the directions they seem to guide.
In the most negative use of the 7 energies, you can become very pessimistic, lackadaisical, quarrelsome, and secretive. A Life Path 7 individual who is not living life fully and gaining through experiences, is a hard person to live with because of a serious lack of consideration for others. There is such a negative attitude. Indeed, operating on the negative side of the 7 can produce a very selfish and spoiled individual and living with one can be a challenge. This may be why some 7s actually prefer living alone. If you have any of the negative traits they are very difficult to get rid of because you tend to feel that the world really does owe you a living or that in some way you are not being fairly treated.
Fortunately, the negative 7 is not the typical 7, at least not without some mitigating positive traits. This number is one that seems to have some major shifts from highs to lows. Stability in feelings may be elusive for you.

just something to ponder, and gives me a bit of insight into my own self...not as an excuse, but at least there's an explanation for all of my quirks, eccentricities, and my all-around CRAZINESS!

wonder

i heart this girl and her blog. she is SUCH an amazing mixed-media artist and is a ginormous inspiration. her combination of textures, colors, phrases, and images all in different formats are just stunning.
so i'm in a bit of a craft-room-explosion right now, which is actually a good thing. my spare room has become a bit of a dumping ground (or shall we just say, dump) over the past few years, and i had convinced myself that it would never get cleaned up or look any better. but i finally got inspired a few weeks ago and ALAS! - it is on it's way. i'll post photos when it's finally done. but out of this explosion has come some really great things - i have found that i have QUITE the collection of artsy-craftsy stuff. i have paper, pens, coloring books, yarn, paint, TONS of beads, stamps, fabric, a sewing machine, stained glass stuff, metal working stuff, cameras, art projects, sequins, and the list actually goes on. and in finding all this stuff, i have gotten MAJORLY inspired to get into it ALL and actually do things with it because i guess i forgot i had it. i am realizing there is this passion inside of me that is awakening. i mean, i'm always passionate - but the usual feeling of getting overwhelmed by all the possibilities of something isn't really arising right now and that's amazing.
i'm just SO excited about all of the possibilities. i have so many ideas. i have so many things i want to learn. i have so many things i want to try. i do wish there were more hours in the day to do them all but that's ok - i have a lifetime. i have a lifetime to WONDER and dream up new fabulous things. i have a lifetime to fill up my craftroom and someday have the perfect studio with ALL of my stuff packed into it.
i feel so powerful doing things i like - for ME and not for anyone else. not for money but just because i like to do it. it's back to school time - maybe i'll sign up for some classes.

those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer

although it's raining right now, we at least did have a few nice weeks of summer. that's right, i did say only a few weeks of summer. they say this is just a "summer storm" though. for some reason, i'm not sure i believe 'them'. 

stupid plastic bags

ok, i'll admit: i'm a tad obsessed with recycling. i will actually pilfer through the garbage can outside of my apartment or the one in the kitchen at work to find recyclables, rinse them out, and put them in their appropriate bin. i live in seattle. it's what we do. well, it's what most of us do.

it turns out that seattle has become one of the first major american cities to discourage the use of paper and plastic shopping bags by requiring grocery, drug, and convenience stores to charge 20 cents per bag. apparently the city council has also banned plastic foam food and drink containers. i think that is completely AWESOME. i'm ALL for it. i have about 8 different re-usable bags in my car (which i do occasionally forget IN THE CAR) and those puppies are strong and can hold a TON of shit.

but i was at albertsons the other day and there was this guy out there with a petition that said something about "the plastic bag tax" so i approached him, thinking it would be a GOOD petition. this dumbass was trying to get people to sign a petition against the plastic bag tax. seriously? i looked at him and admittedly, kind of scoffed, and said "oh no, I'M ALL FOR IT" and walked away shaking my head. seriously? like you're gonna take a DAY OFF work to sit outside and ask people to sign this petition so they don't have to pay 20 cents for the bags they're going to use and then throw into the garbage which will then just go lay in a landfill for the rest of this planet's life or end up in the ocean for all the little sea critters to eat?

wow. i'm sorry but get a life buddy - and the rest of you who signed the petition. spend the 99 cents and buy yourself a RE-USEABLE BAG. one that you can RE-USE. as in RE-USE a TON OF TIMES. hell, i'm sure once this law goes into full effect on january 1st, they'll be giving them away, all logo-ed out. i don't care what your logo is, i'll take one. actually, maybe i'll take a bunch of them and go sit outside the albertsons and give them away. hopefully the petition dip-shit will walk by so i can give him one. ha.